May 30, 2018

"In what do you drown?"

That is a question I often ask my students after reading and analyzing the poem "Black Valentine."  When beginning the 100 Days of Summer Writing, yesterday, I thought is was appropriate to begin my days with that question.  Here's why:
Often, I feel as if I am barely keeping my head above water.  In every corner of my life, I feel as if there is so much going on that I don't have a moment of peace.  My mom and all that involves her, my mother in law, my marriage, work, ...

Maybe I am being petty.  Maybe I am being weak.

I want to make sure my mom has a good life.  At least what is left of it.  Not only is she at a point where the only way she gets results is to scream at or throw water at the employees at HH but when she is sick, it seems that the abusive side of her personality comes out more.  I feel like I am a broken record with these people at HH.  I always say the same thing to them.  They do not seem to want to do their jobs.  (Not all of them.  There are some good, hard-working people there.  Just some of them.  And those want to make my life a living Hell.)

I would love to have a feeling of peace when coming home at any time of the day.  But, with my MIL there, I have never felt as if this is MY home.  It has always been HER home and I just live there.  She makes sure she is the controlling person in our home.  My husband doesn't see this.  He doesn't understand any of the relationship dynamics.  Of course, now, she hasn't spoken to me in several days.  The last time she tried to have a conversation with me, I had come home from work and visiting Mom, and I had sat down at the table to eat dinner.  Sue decides to come into the kitchen at that time and sit with me.  She commences to tell me about how she and Sandy had gone to an estate sale, and Sandy had purchased a dresser so she could redo Mallory's room.  Sue shows me pictures of two pieces of wicker furniture that Sandy will put into her garage.  Sue's plan is to have Sandy move these pieces of furniture into Hope's new apartment in August.  She then goes into the explanation of how you can purchase a bed frame from Walmart that only needs the mattress.  WHAT?!!!  I thought I was the Mom!  Rather than say anything ugly, I get up and feed the dogs and go to my room.  It still is not okay.

Work.  I love teaching!  I am truly looking forward to having a class of students again next year.  However, all this with my mom interferes with my sanity.  I feel the need to keep up with her through the video so I am available at any time.  Whew.  That is a job in itself.