With All Good Intentions

 I knew the March SOL Challenge was coming.  I signed up and had several story ideas ready.  Then, life happened.  

Lately, that means I am super tired.  Plus, after the MRI, I was told I have three fractures/broken bones in my left foot.  "Don't put any weight on it."  Easier said than done.

Today, I got a sub for school.  I had a CT scan as the final test to determine whether or not my foot will need surgery.  I also went to urgent care to check on this cough and tightness in my chest I have.  Doc says it may be covid.  Ugh.  What next?

Better late than never, right?  I am getting in a groove tonight.

Hinge on the Doorway

"Symbolic signs appear in many forms, but the red cardinal has long been embraced as the most notable spiritual messenger who has been sent by our loved ones in Heaven to watch over us. To this day, red cardinals are one of the most common spiritual signs that people receive from Heaven. The word cardinal comes from the Latin word cardo which means hinge. The cardinal is serving as the hinge on the doorway between Earth and Spirit, delivering messages back and forth. Cardinal-themed gifts for an adult or child who has experienced a loss are truly meaningful and become treasured gifts for a lifetime."  (caringcardinals.com)

Two years ago, I pulled into my driveway and saw a bright red cardinal land in the bare tree in front of my home.  Being winter, the cardinal was an unexpected but welcome sight.  In my heart, I knew it was my beautiful sweet friend Jennifer saying goodbye. I had just left her funeral, seeing her husband and her two young children being so strong for everyone.  Jennifer was a teacher during the week and an NICU nurse on the weekends when I first met her.  She had a heart of gold!

Last year, my mother passed away in August during the first week of school.  In my heart, I know it was for the best.  For the last nine years, she lived in the nursing home and wanted her freedom.  Her twin sister had passed in April, and if you know twins, you know she didn't feel complete anymore.  Between Mom's heart and her lungs, she was sick.  After celebrating her life in a memorial-type funeral, I walked outside and saw a male cardinal.  I knew my mom was there, telling me she loved me and appreciated me.

Just yesterday, I saw both a male cardinal and a female cardinal fly into the large Chinese fringe flower bush that is on the corner of my house just outside my bedroom window.  It was unusual for birds to be that low in my backyard because our dogs don't like any other animal trespassing.  They remained in the bush for a while.  Upon inspection, I discovered a partially-built nest.  It was definitely barebones so they had just begun to build it.  Today, I checked on their progress and discovered they have almost completed the nest.  I am thrill!  Soon, we will have baby cardinals right in my backyard.  It will help my heart heal.  It has been broken for a while and needs hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Cardinals mate for life.  Can you imagine?  These small, wild animals create a bond and work together until they die.  They are protected by law, as well.  The Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918 bans the sale of cardinals as caged birds.  They were once popular because of their beautiful color and distinctive sound.

For now, the couple that live in my backyard will remind me daily the importance of life and commitment.  I need that right now.

Releasing Some Steam?

I learned a very long time ago that if you don’t follow the rules, important people in your life will leave you.  Step on too many toes?  Make someone mad?  Spend too much money?  Become an inconvenience?  Yep, you guessed it:  they are gone.  Conditional love is what I have always thought it to be.  "I will love you only until I don’t" mantra.

I was watching this TV show the other night called Good Girls.  It really is a stupid show, but I am hooked because I keep thinking, “There is no way they will write the next episode.”  Then, the next episode airs.  In it, the younger sister is always dating these guys who are shifty or live in their car (because they don’t want responsibility) or just plain treat her badly.  She’s been going to this therapist.  He tells her the other day that she dates these kinds of men because as long as she does, she doesn’t have to worry about a genuine relationship.  She cannot get hurt.  Those weren’t his exact words, but that is what I gleaned from him.  She got it, too.  She was shocked.  Maybe even a little relieved.  Maybe with this new knowledge, she could help herself.  Maybe find true love.  I know it's just a show, but there is some truth in what he said.

I have been married for 28 years.  Just celebrated my wedding anniversary last week.  Did I choose him because he was safe?  I never rock the boat.  I do not put any demands on him.  I can count on one hand how many arguments we’ve had.  I am sure I am annoying because I am a perfectionist.  I am sure he would love to have a younger model, someone who would be considered the trophy wife, maybe.  We have lived in the same house with my mother-in-law for 15 years.  That’s more than half of our married life.  I have been playing second fiddle to her the entire time.  I cannot ever relax.  I always feel like "I've got company."  Deep down, I don't feel like I have my own home; we live with her.

Today, I was sitting at the kitchen table, grading papers on my computer, answering emails from students, letting the dogs outside when they asked.  My mother-in-law was in the her room, talking to a friend on the phone.  She's loud.  Door is open.  She says, “Yea, Tonya’s in the kitchen.  I can’t go out of my room and do any of the things I normally do.  She’s such an inconvenience.”  I really think that is the last straw.

I went into my room and finished grading papers.  My son texted me to find out where I was.  When I came out of my room, my son, my husband, and my mother-in-law were all in the kitchen, hanging out, making lunch, putting away dishes.  When they asked what I had been doing, I told them that I had gone to my room to work because I was such an inconvenience to Sue.  That woke everyone up!  Right, I am the rude one.  I am the one in whom my husband is disappointed—a new low, according to him.  I am the one who has decided I am done.  I won’t make him choose between me or his mother.  I will. 

My Sanctuary

During spring break, I visited a shop that was closing down.  This shop has been a huge part of my life and the community for almost 30 years.  It is sad to see them close their doors for the final time.

While perusing the remaining stock, I found these happy, bright red lanterns.  At first glance, I thought they were designed so that votive candles went inside so that you would get this soft glow and flickering of the flames.  However, once I got them home, I realized they were solar powered and had tiny bulbs inside.  They didn't work at first.  There was no sun until yesterday.

Last night, I opened my backdoor to find this calming scene.  There were pale blue reflections of butterflies floating on my table and the ground, even out into the grass.  The low lights filled the yard and invited us all to come sit in the swing.  This is my sanctuary.  Sitting in my swing under the wisteria and honeysuckle with the mimosa tree stretching its limbs over our heads, I can breathe.  It is peaceful being surrounded by the beauty God gives us every day.  Even with my weeping willow missing from my yard, all the green envelopes me and keeps me grounded.  These lanterns are a purchase I will enjoy for a long time.

The Clean Crew

The sun was shining today.  The first day in almost a week of rain.  Maybe our backyard will dry up a little and cease being a wet and slippery pit full of giant clay paw prints like molded dark grey Play-Doh.  After this week, the new grass is tall and in need of a mowing.  We can barely see Paddy when she walks outside.

By being in the sunlight, your body absorbs vitamins D.  Plus, my favorite place to be is in the swing under the blooming wisteria and the mimosa tree I planted when it was only four inches tall.  This day feels so alive and peaceful, full of promises.  Then, the wet soaks through my leggings!  Meat's soft slimy lips drape over my knee, coated with slobber and grass.  Eww!

It's time for a bath.  All of them are grungy and dirty so Jacob and I take towels and soap and brushes and the water hose to the driveway.  Meat's first.  Washing him is like washing a car.  He's huge--150 pounds!  He stands still getting scrubbed, dried.  Next is Mousse.  She usually gets really nervous and poops a lot during a bath at the groomers.  She didn't even pass gas today.  I think the cold water feels good to her.  Shadow, our old lady dog, is third in line.  She is shaking a little bit while the suds and cold water soak her down.  She is short, only one foot tall, so Jacob is the one scrubbing her clean.  Last but not least is shy, sweet Maggie.  My foster fail is quiet unless she is protecting me, which she does often.  During her bath, a lawn crew show up at the yard across the street.  Maggie maintains her good behavior but keeps an ever watchful eye on the extra noise.  Using the brushes and then the gloves that have bristles, we collect a huge pile of loose fur.  The birds will have something to use for nests.

Clean and tired, everyone is in the house, napping now.  The best smelling pups on the street.

Sounds of Silence

Maggie's soft snores

the dishwasher draining

Shadow's toenails click-clacking on the tile

the washing machine spinning

cardinals outside singing

pots clanging in the kitchen

children's laughter wafting through the window

leaves rustling in the wind

All are music to my ears in quiet moments
                     spent resting in the spring afternoon.

Short and Sweet

It feels like the first day of school is tomorrow.  I was feeling a little anxious earlier with a nauseous stomach and a small headache.  I revisited my Canvas page, added my video, and feel confident that everything is good-to-go.  There is no need to feel nervous.  Even if something goes wrong tomorrow, it will all work out in the end.  Students are sweet and are always helpful.  Everything will work out for the best!